This Christmas has affected me oddly. Yearning for the family that I used to have is de rigeur, although the loneliness I expected was worse than the loneliness I felt. What I didn't expect, though, is an intense attraction to the notion of being married.
I have known, from an insanely early age like 10 or 11, that I would never get married. It wasn't necessarily low self-esteem . . . I just regarded it as something completely alien. I'll never go to the moon either, you know? As I've aged, that certainty is cemented by compelling financial incentives not to tie myself to another person.
Through this desire, it still feels like an impossibility, but it preys on my brain like a compulsion. It's not based on a relationship, or on love, but on a need to be Chosen. I am green with envy over the people that someone else has picked (right or wrong) as The One. Why not me? Why can't someone love me like that?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
On {Marriage}
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Hi, It sounds like you are feeling sad and I don't have much to offer except to say I hear you. You wrote this a few days ago, I hope things are better now. The guy who was watching porn sounds awful! (((hugs)))
Post a Comment