Filler

I keep waiting for something post-worthy to happen, and nothing's going. I am still stuck in a Nexus of Evil, which sent me to fetally to bed for the better part of a week. LawBoy has disappeared due to final exams; Mr. S has for the most part been avoiding me because of the breakdown on his doorstep that preceeded my boudoir retreat.

(On second thought, that may in itself be post-worthy. Once in a while someone calls me "cold-hearted" because I don't seem to cry about the things other women cry about. I learned a long time ago that that *other* women's crying brings out the protective side of men -- *my* crying makes them go away. I thought that Mr. S was an exception to the rule because I have shed tears in front of him ... little did I realize when I turned to him in my agony that it was having emotion that was so repulsive. Since that day I have heard virtually nothing from him.)

I have had a great deal of time to think about my loneliness, its causes, and its solutions. Some people are social butterflies, and so the advice "get out there and meet people" works for them. I'm just not interested in "meeting people" and there is a very finite number of friendships I care to maintain just for the sake of maintaining friendships. Trying to be something I'm very obviously not is literally trying to wear shoes that don't fit -- sometimes you can put them on for a little while, but in the end it can't be maintained. So the lesson here is to do a better job of accepting myself as I am.

Within that, I also need to do a better job of defining who I am. I loathe dating for its interview-like aspects, but I think I can do a better job of explaining myself to others without getting bogged down in capital-M Marketing. Right now I am a badly written novel in need of some editing . . . not to cut pieces out or rewrite scenes, mind you, but to sharpen the focus and increase the craft. The elements that make me "Me" could be a whole lot more interesting if they were a little less of some of column A and some of column B.