Batting Zero

Where do I go wrong?

Self-absorption is an inevitable side-effect of a diaristic blog like this one, but I think it is not a trait that infects my daily life. From my close friends, I am forever getting gruff about putting others' well-being before my own.

And then there are times like last night, when I wonder if I'm experiencing the same world as everybody else.

First, Mr. Crash & Burn came out of the woodwork to rub a little more salt in my wound, and he said part of his disinterest was that I seemed self-absorbed, that my interests were all related to my own life. Huh? Of course, this is from a man who gave a 20 minute monologue (albeit entertaining) about the Grossness of Mushrooms.

Then I had a conversation with LawBoy that really upended my view of things. Now, I am a pathologically shy person in certain ways. I never reach out to touch another person - if there is any contact they have initiated it, and that holds true for each time I see them. The same thing with flirting. Despite this, it just so happens that nearly every time I've gotten together with LawBoy, we've had sex. Therefore I was quite baffled when LawBoy announced that we should only be IM friends from now on because he felt "expected to put out" when we got together. Huh?!?!

Were I a better person, I might take from this that shyness is a waste of time. Were I feeling Zen, I might accept that rejection is just how things are. But I am neither of these things, so I simmer in my shame and humiliation in not being someone these men want.