To Sleep, Perchance To . . . .

It is 3 AM and I find myself looking for every excuse not to go to bed because . . . I don't want to face crawling in alone.

I am, of course, just as alone downstairs. But when the lights go out, I am so much more vulnerable. All the little hurts and jealousies come out to play -- sometimes it feels like I'll suffocate from the infinite vacuum of loneliness. In the darkness I lay there wondering when, or even if, I'll ever have a family again. Or when/if I might ever have a steady relationship. Sometimes all I can do is flail blindly at the hope that someday I'll be a part of the human race. Hope is a uniquely human disease. That's a good sign then that I have some, right? I ache for all the little affirmations and support that everyone else seems to take for granted.

And then it all comes crashing down as I remember why my life is so empty -- that the root of all my troubles is merely myself. I am apparently incapable of developing any relationship deeper than the bestial dependency of my household pets. Were I capable, then my life would be otherwise. QED.

Since the darkness has invaded the light, I might as well invade the darkness. Goodnight.