The Vacuum Returns

I am glad for this vacation I've had. Getting out of the Midwest always clears my mind, and it was glorious to be out where I couldn't see a trace of human presense anywhere. Not a road, not a telephone pole or cell tower, not even a jet trail in the sky. But then coming back to my responsibilities was as crushing as Atlas picking up the globe again.

And odd as it is I am glad, too, that I spent a week without talking to Mr. S. As I've said before, he is a dear friend. I do truly enjoy his company. But he and his wife are walking the BDSM path to a degree that I cannot fathom or follow, and for my own selfish reasons I am hurt at their choice to pursue that path.

In part I am merely baffled. Why would you take up a hobby that you can't talk about with most people? It seems as pretentious to me as running around announcing that you're in the CIA -- if you really were CIA, that is the last thing you would tell people. Moreover, what is the constructiveness of such a clandestine hobby? How do you account for your time?

Junior: Dad, what did you and Mom do for fun before I was born?
Mr. S: Well, son, I liked to whip her with a riding crop and tell her what a naughty pony she was, and when I got bored with that I'd set her on fire or electricute her.
Junior: [mental breakdown]

Even if (obviously? hopefully?) no such conversation is in the offing, it just seems awfully duplicitous even to yourself to build your life around something hidden.

For my own hurts, I know it is unreasonable, but there is a jealousy, a forlorn-ness, for which there so no salve. While Mr. S is gabbling on about whatever kink he's just engaged in, I wonder to myself, If I can't do [sex act] , why would anyone bother with me? Why should I even bother *trying* to waste someone's time with a relationship, when I know full well ahead of time that what little I offer won't be enough?

They say the zodiac Leo loves competition. While I am the stereotypical Leo in all other ways, I abhor competition. I am drawn to it, but I hate it and avoid it whenever possible - mostly because it has always been a losing proposition for me. BDSM, vanilla sex, and relationships all feel like competition I can't win.

If only the grocery store stocked spare men between the tampons and the condoms.