He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Some hours after my last post Mr. S picked up the phone to talk things over. He said that he loved me. He said that he had been holding back because he didn't know where things with Mrs. S were going. He said he thought I knew how he felt about me. I told him about Not Really My Girlfriend, and the "I love you, but just as a friend". He genuinely thinks he never said such things. I almost told him how much his Valentine's Day gift hurt, but I chickened out. I had enough vulnerability for one day. He said that he loved me.

Endings are Beginnings Too

Tonight I broke things off with Mr S.

I am sick at heart over it, but I think it had to be done. The topic of my last post just would not get out of my head. Normally I am all for communication, but how do you ask someone to feel something they obviously don't?

He wanted to talk, I made him do it over IM so I wouldn't be a blubbering mess. He said he loved me, he said he considered us more than FWB. But he didn't fight it. He didn't ask me to reconsider.

That hurts as much as anything.

I want so much to be loved. I want a man to hold my face in his hands and smile at me. I want to hear I make him happy. After two years with Mr. S I never experienced anything remotely close to it. I was just the toy he played with when the one(s) he wanted weren't available.

At the very real risk of sounding self-pitying, I don't think there are going to be any more relationships for me. Of course I am going to throw myself out there (I am already alone, so I have nothing to fear) but I don't expect anything to come of it. This failed one took 27 years to find. If it takes several tries to find a good one, at 27 years a pop, I am likely to be 81 at the youngest or maybe 108 before I have even a chance of love.